Welcome to my first (and hopefully only) blog rant.
Topic? Pregnancy/Babies. Why? Because I got the question this week that
completely blew me out of the water…and just about sent me over the edge.
Upon coming back from the bathroom at work one day, a
co-worker who I’m sort of friends with stopped me in the middle of one of the
busiest and crowded areas of my department and asked, “So are you trying to get
pregnant?” When I stared at her like she’d just morphed into Medusa, she went
on to explain that she’d noticed me carrying a cosmetic bag back and forth for
the past week and wondered if I was giving myself fertility shots in the
bathroom. Have you ever seen those cartoons where a character’s jaw hits the
floor and then walks off? That was my jaw. Rather than give the answer I wanted
to give—a variation of the sarcastic/angry “None of your (insert expletive)
business” and the sarcastic/truthful “Nope, just trying to stop the tidal wave
of Aunt Flo”—I replied, “No,” in what The Husband calls my I’m-So-Pissed-at-You-You’d-Better-Buy-Me-Something-Expensive
voice and stalked back to my desk. Seriously?!
I thought as I furiously shot off a text to The Husband and fought back angry
tears.
First of all, who asks me point-blank if I’m trying to
get pregnant and giving myself fertility shots? Certainly not somebody I
share the occasional conversation and one happy hour with. Second of all, who
asks that kind of question in a crowded public area? Apparently this girl[i].
And she’s not the only one. Since The Husband and I got married 3½ years ago,
we’ve—or more accurately I’ve—gotten every question, comment, and not-so-subtle
hint on the pregnancy/baby subject there is. We’ve gotten it from family,
friends, and “strangers” like the gentlemen who put together our living trust
and my optometrist. I understand why family and friends feel the need to bring
up the subject, and the living trust gentleman was only asking because we’d
left the children section of the trust blank. The optometrist, though, I don’t
get. What my reproductive organs have to do with my eyes is beyond me…But
that’s beside the point. The point is that I’m tired of getting the questions
and comments, and rather than just ranting about this and have people think I’m
a complete nutcase for being bothered by the pregnancy/baby topic, I figured
I’d logically present why I’m channeling my inner Kat Stratford. So here goes…
It’s a private
matter. Some people don’t see reproductive plans as private, and I respect
that. I, however, do. In my eyes, when I have kids is between me, The Husband,
God, and my body. NOBODY else. The only other people I can possibly
imagine sharing my plans with are my best friends and my mother, and even then,
it would have to be under certain circumstances (sorry, ladies). I’ve tried
figuring out why I feel this way, and I honestly can’t tell you. I’m sure it
has something to do with me being a private person, especially regarding
matters of my health. In any case that’s how I feel, and I expect that to be
respected. After all, I respect other people’s prerogative to tell me their reproductive
plans. Why shouldn’t the same respect be given back to me?
The You-Never-Know
Principle. What’s the You-Never-Know Principle, you ask? Well let me tell
you. The You-Never-Know Principle is the idea that you may not know what’s
going on with a person’s reproductive plans. A few statistics for you about
women in the U.S[ii]:
·
6.7 million women ages 15-44 suffer from
infertility
·
1.5 million women ages 15-44 are unable to get
pregnant for 12+ consecutive months
·
7.4 million women ages 15-44 have used fertility
services
·
2 million women experience pregnancy loss
·
1 in 4 women suffers from pelvic floor disorders
such as vaginismus or vulvodynia, which can make The Deed extremely painful if
not impossible
Can you imagine asking a woman who falls into one of the
above categories when she’s planning on having kids (or making little So-And-So
a big brother or sister) or flippantly making a remark along the lines of “Just
wait ‘til you have kids”? Some women might be perfectly fine and roll with the
punches. Others, however, might fall apart. Not everybody is vocal about their
reproductive plans, so you may not be aware that they’re having trouble getting
pregnant, can’t get pregnant, have lost a baby, or can’t even do the Mattress
Mambo to make a baby. Your question or comment—while meant to be innocuous,
humorous, or an attempt at small talk—might therefore cause somebody extreme
emotional pain. As the principle says, you never know…
Before we got married, The Husband and I decided to tell
people that we’re on the five-year plan. Having experienced the intrusive “When
are you getting married?” question for years before we got engaged (Yup, I feel
the same way about marriage—it’s private.), we figured that coming up with and
disseminating The Baby Plan was a sure-fire way to prevent the pregnancy/baby
talk. If you haven’t guessed from this blog, that plan failed quite miserably[iii].
So we’re changing tactics starting now. We’re having kids when we tell you that
I’m pregnant or you see pictures of me sporting a baby bump posted on Facebook.
Until then, PLEASE don’t ask and PLEASE don’t make comments. And consider what
I said above when you raise the pregnancy/baby subject with another woman.
Respect her prerogative to remain private on the matter and remember that you
never know.
P.S. A good read on this very topic:
[i] My coworker later
apologized for being too nosy. It turns out that she had trouble conceiving
both of her girls, and, as she put it, “her emotions go into overdrive” when
she thinks that someone else might be going through what she went through. I
appreciated her concern and apology, and we’ve gone back to being sort-of
friends.
[ii] Statistics are courtesy of
the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the American Pregnancy
Association, and the National Institute of Health.
[iii] Yes. I realize that most
questions or comments are meant with the best intentions, not maliciously. And
I appreciate the fact that people think The Husband and I are good enough
people to be parents (either that, or people are trying to figure out when to
prepare for our little terrors to arrive—that’s right, I said terrors, plural).
However, not a week goes by that the pregnancy/baby subject isn’t brought up
with me. Put yourself in my shoes. Can you see how that might get old and
annoying, especially if people already know about The Baby Plan or have brought
up the subject in the past?
