I’m so done with this year. I can’t wait for the clock to
strike 12:00 on January 1 so I can finally say Buh-bye to 2013. Adios. Sayonara. Good riddance.
This year has been a doozy of a year for me and The Hubs
(CH)—a doozy in a string of doozies. Life got ahold of our number a few years
ago and has been unrelentless in its pursuit of us, tightening its iron-fisted
grip year by year by year. While each of the 4½ years we’ve been together in
wedded bliss has been difficult in its own way, CH and I would both agree that
this year has topped them all. It feels like life has run roughshod over us. We’ve
seen the usual suspects—death, schedule changes, maddeningly frustrating work
situations, and nagging health issues—but have also had new culprits added to
the lineup. The Gusts of Change have disrupted our quiet, ordered life, and
door after door after door has been slammed shut on hopes and aspirations. This
year has left us frustrated, disheartened, and just plain exhausted.
I hope 2013 doesn’t let the door hit it on the way out.
The thing about years like this, though, is that they do
not come without a purpose—there is some method to their madness … or there is
a method to the Director behind the madness. I was reminded of this about two
months ago while listening to a lesson in Dave Ramsey’s new financial series,
The Legacy Journey. I was only half-listening at the time, paying more
attention to the paint I was glopping over my toenails than I was to Ramsey’s
message. But in the middle of talking about living with contentment, Ramsey
said something that stopped my hand midswipe:
God is not necessarily concerned about
changing your circumstances.
He is concerned about shaping your
character.
Ramsey’s words reached through my computer speakers and
grabbed hold of me—and they haven’t let go. They’ve been playing on repeat in
my head for the past two months, echoing in the corner of my mind as more
change has happened, as more challenges have presented themselves, as more
doors have slammed shut. I like Ramsey, but I could do without having his
Southern drawl sound in my head over and over and over.
The thing is, I’m not quite sure why Ramsey’s words have
had such an impact. I’m a creature whose heart and soul are assuaged by a
well-crafted string of words, so I have several go-to sayings for times like
these: “Trust your journey,” “My king still has one more move,” Proverbs
3:5&6, James 1:2-4. Collectively, they sound the same tone: Have faith in God’s omniscience. And
I’ve held on tightly to these sayings this year, engraving them on necklaces
and posting them on my bathroom mirror with the expectation that these physical
reminders undertake rescue missions when my heart and thoughts decide to become
mired in Frustration and gallivant off hand-in-hand with Bitterness. Ramsey’s
words don’t sound much different from my tried and trueds, but they’ve struck a
slightly different chord with me.
Perhaps this has to do with the first line of the
statement: God is not necessarily
concerned about changing your circumstances. Much of my focus these past 12
months has been on circumstances, and I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time
tussling with God over them. Why are they
happening? What can we do to change them? Can You please change them? Why
aren’t You changing them? Until Ramsey’s lesson, this broken record wasn’t
getting answers—just a perpetuation of the circumstances. Ramsey’s words took
the wind out of my blustery sails and reminded me that with God, it’s not about
circumstances. Circumstances are just the means to an end. They’re what God
uses to mold us into the shape we were designed to be and draw us closer to
Him. Relient K put it perfectly in their song “Let It All Out”:
And You said, “I know that this will hurt
But if I don’t break your heart then things
will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember …
The end will justify the pain it took to get
us there.”
This idea of being purposely put through the wringer is a
tough pill to swallow, one that challenges the idea of God and puts a person’s
faith to the test. What I like about Relient K’s lyrics is that they remind us
we’re not swallowing that pill alone. The
end will justify the pain it took to get us
there. The difference a single pronoun can make. God may be breaking our
hearts, but He’s not doing so and then callously abandoning us (although it may
seem like it at times). He’s breaking our hearts but sticking around and
helping us sift through the aftermath, even carrying us through it, if it comes
down to that. We just have to stop questioning and wrestling long enough to let
Him.
And that’s my goal for 2014: to ask “Why?” less and say “Show
me” more, to turn to God for help instead of a wrestling match. Ramsey’s words
put me in my place. Change and challenges will most likely continue to present
themselves in the new year, and there’s a possibility that doors may be slammed
shut and deadbolted—but they’re out of my hands. My attitude, however, is not;
my attitude is fully in my control. And it could use a swift kick in the butt.
Excuse me while I go take care of that …
